4 – Rose City Hockey Club

We have now reached the first in our expansion teams, The Rose City Hockey Club (RCHC). New GM, but veteran WNHLer Mike Podio got the promotion to GM and is handed the reigns to his own team. How do I write a draft preview for a new GM and a new team? I have no idea. Be prepared for lots of filler, as we take a look at The Rose City Hockey Club.

It was almost done in secret. Even the members of the leadership committee were kept in the dark regarding Commissioner Jones plans to expand. He really puts the dick in dictator. When the news dropped and word got out that Podio had been named GM it was met with great enthusiasm throughout the WNHL. Podio, one of the more likable players in the WNHL (the complete opposite of Wurfel) used his “Ceremonial Snips” and cut the ribbon on the new franchise, branding it The Rose City Hockey Club. Podio nailed his first decision as GM.

So how does Podio follow up his 100% good decision rate? What does he do at the four spot in the draft? Damned if i know. End of preview.

The problem here with writing this preview is that Podio himself if a versatile player. He has been known to lock down the back end, but has also been seen dominating the center ice position. Podio uses his ample frame to protect the puck and control the play. It’s been said that playing against Podio makes you feel like you have “A Day and a Deathwish”

Of course Podio could always say “Fuck the Pain, Bring the Noise” and draft a goalie in the four spot. That would without a doubt sent the draft into chaos for the other 7 GM’s. There is a lot of talk about who is going to pull the trigger on a goalie first, with some inside sources saying they could see a goalie going in the first four picks. This could be his moment. Podio could give himself a “Quality Life Assessment” (you guys see what I’m doing here right?) and be the first to pull the goalie trigger. That begs the question as to what goalie would he pick? King Street Cup Champion and Mark Laforest award winner Colin Nunn? Perennial league leader Anthony Young? The Fenwick wildcard Nate Haist? Maybe he needs to consult with people that he “They That Trust” to make his decision. (really had to shoehorn that one in there)

In the end the world is Podio’s oyster sitting in the number four spot. He will have the ability to shape his franchise and take it in any direction he wants. Being drafted to the RCHC will at worse, feel like you’re “Dead Only Better”, and at best will be a “Rad Affair”. Being a member of the Atlas Steelers for so long, Podio has been on a room first team for a substantial time, and I believe he will be looking bring that philosophy to the Rose City Hockey Club. Maybe Podio will surpass the Atlas Steelers and “Murder Thy Maker”. Damn it’s getting hard to squeeze these in. Haddonfield.

Prediction – Colin Nunn

3 – Dain City Dusters

Moving down the draft ladder to number three, we find Brian Bazawhatever and The Dain City Dusters. Last season was a chaotic one with the relocation rumours surrounding the team all season, Once the Dain City Bridge was taken down, the tavern closed a short time later and the Dusters found fans tough to come by. The rumours of Fonthill and Fenwick trying to lure the Dusters to secure a second team in the LOS area code plagued the team all season. A good playoff run had the Dusters missing out on the championship by 1 goal in the third tiebreaker. A heartbreaking end for a rollercoaster season, but the Dusters are dusted off and ready to have their hearts broken once again.

Baz likes to build his teams from the top down. Baz will ride shotgun with the top line center, because he, much like Jon Campbell, has a strong aversion to his own zone. In order to make up for his case of defensivitis, Baz will play with a center that can cover both center and right wing in his own zone. Once the center does all that work he can find Baz on the wing near the opponents blue line and that’s where he does the most damage. Baz can snipe. Say what you will about him, you can say he’s big, dumb, and ugly, but boy can he snipe. Last year Ryan Bering the Dusters first round pick was the poor bastard who had to carry Baz on his back. Bering was having a strong season, playing on the same team as his brother Carl “Good To See You” Bering until the two were forced to the long term IR.

Moving down the depth chart Baz iced a second line featuring CBoz and Dusso. Opponents said the two would just appear out of a cloud of reefer and bury four goals on you. CBoz and Deuce,. along with Chicken, Baz, and Habber were strong contributors to the Dusters league leading parking lot presence. As the Steelers draft for the room, the Dusters draft for the lot. The two are very similar, but different.

Baz tried to copy the Leafs (because of all their playoff success) third line of Spezza, Thorton, and Simmonds, and make a third line of veterans, like Billy “BiPolar” Topolinski, and Kevin “Nothing Sucks Like A” Dyson. He also added the two time King Street Cup Champion, the two time WNHL All Star Champion, and the future first round hall of famer Scotty Legend. The trio formed a grind line and worked the corners like Julia Roberts. A full grinding season takes it’s toll and B Top after missing several games through the season retired at the end of the year, Dyson is spending his summer as a statistician for the Jr. Jackfish, while Scotty Legend is getting drunk and high waiting for the next season to start.

So what does Baz do this year? He picked the best offensive player in the draft last year and still ended up on the outside looking in. Does he come out of the gates with a defenceman? For years Baz has relied on Chicken to anchor his defence and together with Dryden formed a strong top pairing. Once Carl Bering was placed on the IR, the second pairing became a problem for the Dusters, as Le Grand Alain was left back there to be paired with Gavin “Should Probably Get Tested” Sardella, who is being held together with duct tape at this point. I don’t think Baz cares enough about defence to pick one in the first round, and he really loves first line centers.

Prediction: Ryan Bering

2 – Townline Tunnelers

Craig “Sheiko” Laro returns as GM of the Townline Tunnelers, and this time he comes swinging about the biggest dick you’ve ever seen. He was last seen slinging it over his shoulder and wearing it like a scarf. The Tunnelers of course are the reigning King Street Cup Champions, and will be the target all year. They are in the number two (ha!) slot (haha) on our draft board. Let’s take a look at what we might expect this year from the Tunnelers.

Last year Laro picked number one and obviously turned that into a championship. He began by anchoring his team with former MVP Alan Cockell and later reunited him with the only other original two timer, Chris “Back to Back” Woods. Together they both ended up on top the leaderboard, and Woods added to his impressive resume by bringing home the Andy Bosak award. (Just for the record I played on a wing with these two and had career high goals and assists. 14 of each. Just saying. I was the Kevin Stevens of the WNHL). Say what you will about the volatility of the pair the two bastards win games.

Laro showed his keen scouting eye last year by picking Brian “Eat the Rich” Barker and Kevin “Already talked about his accolades” Wright in the middle rounds of the draft. This was 100% the result of him scouting really well and not result of him knowing the two previously and having them sandbag in the prospect game. Laro just has a much stronger eye for hockey talent then his fellow GM’s.

It’s time to look at the GM and his role on the team, and last year Laro surrounded himself with the best defensive core since the 2005 Steelers, who won SuperBowl XL. Hey, did I ever tell you that I was there? I hardly ever mention it. Anywho, aside from himself Laro added Kevin “Done talking about him” Wright, Colin “Cookie” Cook, and Lance Romance. Lance has been around and we all know what he can do, I mean how can you miss him? (Paco should have missed him). He’s back there with Cook, who is walks the line of being a “try hard” but not being a dick. Full disclosure, I did draft 2 of the four defenceman to my WNHL Xmas Classic Championship team. With these four defencemen you could have had your mother playing in net and still would have won. Just for fun though, you know, just for shit and gigs, they added Colin Nunn for the playoffs.

So where does that leave the Tunnelers going into year one of their title defence? There are no keepers in the WNHL,, but I don’t see any reason to change course. Time to run it back like your “Fast” WIllie Parker the starting running back on the 2005 Superbowl winning Pittsburgh Steelers.

Prediction: Cockell