Before we proceed to the next preview, we here at www.wnhlwelland.ca need to acknowledge our mistake. I made one once in 1992 and now I’ve made my second. In a rush to meet the very strict deadlines set by our editors, I overlooked a player in part 6 of the preview. When talking about best guys, (again in my haste and under the threats of bodily harm) I failed to mention, The Puerto Rican Supermodel, the Wheeler and Dealer (wink) Kyle “Supermullet” Boggio. When your talking about best guys he’s right there at the top of the list. A huge presence in front of the net, in the room, and in the parking lot where he definitely isn’t selling percocet.

7 – Merritt Islanders

We move on now to the Merritt Islanders who have moved on to a new GM in Tyler Stack, after years of obsessive management by Ryan “Really Loves Willard” Daniel. (Also, not DanielS. He’s a two first name guy, as if he’s not weird enough). Stack a longtime WNHLer and the inaugural WNHL All Start Champion, had the option to pick anywhere he wanted. He chose 7th. His first move as a GM is a bold one or the dumbest move ever seen in WNHL history. Just rocks in the head kind of dumb. Should probably move out of town kind of dumb. Canada flags on the back of your truck level dumb. Let’s have a look.

Once again we have a new GM taking over so we don’t have a history to look at, so I’m forced to make stuff up. Stack is a long time WNHLer. Nope, said that part already. He’s pretty good at hockey. He’s got a brother that’s a bit of weirdo but is the Gretzky of naming WNHL teams and is responsible not only for the Merritt Islanders name but also the WNHL Xmas Classic Champions the Seaway Maulters. (Captained by Scotty Legend, thank you very much) Stack also owns a plumbing business (for all your plumbing needs call Stack Plumbing). That exhausts my knowledge on Tyler Stack.

Stack is a longtime WNHLer, and when he’s not fixing pipes or denting twines, he can be found managing the Rose City Thorns Baseball Club. (Speaking of fantastic names). At the time of this article the Thorns are a half game out of first, so it’s clear the management in his blood, be it plumbing companies, baseball teams or hockey teams, as we saw when he captained the original WNHL All-Start team to the first evet championship. (Team featured future first ballot hall of famer Scotty Legend) Stack could look to the Thorns roster, and pick up players like, Teddy Ballgame, the more likeable of the Beadle brothers, Kris “All Natural” Habjan, or Matt “Hope He Was Better at Baseball” Backshall. That’s actually pretty good line if you replace Backshall with somebody who doesn’t suck so much.

Stack is a long time WNHLer and as such knows the league and the players in it. He been in the game since day one and has seen them all come and go. He witnessed the rise and fall of the Welland Undertakers, the struggles of the Welland River Rats, and the staggering incompetence of the StelCobras.

Stack is a longtime WNHLer and has played on lots of teams, and last year he played on the Islanders. He had a chance to see first hand what plagued the team. Maybe it was the fact that he only scored six goals last year, but who’s to say, we weren’t in the room with them. For the past few seasons the Islanders core was made up of Daniel, Willard “Yellow Fever” Willardson, Pat “Try Hard, DIck” Riley (that comma is important because otherwise it’s just a suggestion), and Shawn “Just a DIck” McKinnon, who spends the off season building up good will with his generous donations from Merritt Brewing, only to destroy is all six games into the season.

Stack is a longtime WNHLer and has seen all the drafts, including Xmas Classics and WNHL All Start drafts. After making one of the riskiest moves and picking seventh, Stack will sit with almost back to back picks. You can bet he’s going one offensive and one defensive player. Stack thrives in an offensive role, even though he only scored 6 goals, (and hits, .069. Maybe Stack lowkey sucks at sports)? It appears he’s going to need to bring in some offensive help. Perhaps a three time champion? Perhaps a reigning MVP? Perhaps a pick that will disrupt the current King Street Cup Champions the Townline Tunnelers core?

Prediction: Chris “MVP” Woods

6 – Crown Room Kings

As we climb further into the depths of hell, we come to Rob “Teacher of the Unteachable” Foster and the Crown Room Kings. Foster took over as GM for the fantasicaly named Crown Room Kings. A name that is in contention for the team name hall of fame. Can’t say the same for their logo though. To be fair, it was the very first team logo in the WNHL, and has served its purpose, I’m just saying it can do for a rebranding. There is such a huge pool of inspiration to draw on. It’s like this article is directed right at Foster eh? Weird. Anyway let’s take a look a the Kings draft preview.

Like Clubber Lang said, the Kings were paper champions. Last year on draft night the Crown Room Kings were the early favourites to win the coveted King Street Cup. Drafting Sean Boychuk in the first round last year proved to be a solid pick as he found himself amongst the scoring leaders. Foster followed that up with Cory “I don’t play in the WNHL anymore because I’m a huge coward” Hutchinson and Bill “The Swiss Army Knife” Crumm. Foster showed his keen scouting eye by picking Silvain “Believe it or not, not French” Roy who contributed with 16 goals in his rookie year. (I hope he’s not French, I think I remember that from the draft last year, but I was drunk and high, so….). (P.S. I mean I hope he’s not French for the sake of the joke, not like I hope he’s not French).

So you’re saying to yourself, damn, that’s a pretty good looking team. But wait, there’s more. He added on top of that, Dirty Dino Dangalena, and Teddy Ballgame. Foster bringing it a couple best guys for the room to balance out the douchiness that Hutchinson brought to the WNHL,. (WNHL isn’t made for the Ambercrombie / Faux hawk crowd). I haven’t even mentioned Peter “Intensity In Ten Cities” Nunn. He’s also good at hockey, and could go in the first round this year.

But wait. There’s more. You know how they say that the drafts are won in the middle to late rounds. The basic strategy here is how can you minimize the damage on the ice from having, let’s just call them unfortunate match ups, while also maximizing the “best guy” ratio in the room. (Nothing worse than sucking on ice and in the room, eh Kellman)? Burn. Foster navigated this by picking hall of fame room, and parking lot presence G “Never Met A Beer He Hasn’t Drank” Boz, and the impossible not to like Chris “Last Pick to Actual Pick” Paco. ‘ll say this too. I saw Paco with his one career goal on the ice in the final two minutes of a playoff game down by a goal and needing to win. Foster runs he team ih the true spirit of the WNHL, bros before goals. Haven’t even mentioned Al Clark. Goddamn what good guy that Al Clark is. They also drafted Neil Bahn.

This team played in the toilet bowl. The last place game. This team crumbled like the Maple Leafs while holding a 3-1 series lead against the Montreal Canadiens. Much like those same Maple Leafs, this team brought nothing in the playoffs. Lowest scoring team in the playoff. Where were Dino’s dirty dangles? Where was the rookie sensation Silvain “Sometime Y” Roy? (It’s an Italian vowel at the end of the name joke. Boy I’m making a lot of assumptions about a guy I’ve met like once). Did the weight of being a first round pick finally collapse on Boychuck’s tiny shoulders? They all disappeared like their fedora wearing teammate.

What does Foster do after such a horrific, unthinkable, heartbreaking collapse. How does he pick up the pieces from his crumbling empire? Lucky for the Kings fans out there, Foster is unshakable. He teaches high school kids, but not even regular high school kids, he teaches the bad kids. The ones that can’t be contained by a regular high school. There is nothing the WNHL can throw at him that can compare with that classroom, and that includes the upcoming draft.

Foster is a utility player, but I think he’s best served as a forward. That being said, with the snake draft, sitting in the six spot, his second pick isn’t very far away to secure top four defenceman. Foster needs scoring, and good room guy. Somebody with championship pedigree.

Prediction: Brian “Can’t Hide in the Fifth Round Anymore” Barker

5 – Lincoln Street Legends

Much like the Rocky franchise we find ourselves past the good ones, and are now in the Tommy Gunn part of the franchises. Jay Thom returns once again as GM for the Lincoln Street Legends where we here at the WNHL say “best logo, worst GM”. While the Legends have yet to find their way to the King Street Cup, Thom will tell you, without prompting, that he has been screwed the past two years. Let’s take a look at what they’ll do this year, and what excuses we may see being made.

In 2019 Thom was confident as a GM, his team was firing on all cylinders and found themselves on top of the standings, however, before the cup could be handed out the world shut down. Evidently the entire world did not want the Legends to win. When the league picked up play again, Thom picked a team that he told everybody would be his championship team, he was going to pick up right where they left off and bring home the greatest trophy in sports.

So what happened to the once great Lincoln Street Legends? How did they manage to go first to worst, and what will they do this year to right the ship? If you ask Jay Thom what the problems were last year, he’ll quickly point to attendance issues. It would appear the players that he drafted did not want to show up an play. Maybe they didn’t want to play for the GM? (Nobody said that, I’m just talking shit). They are just like people with STD’s. Just because they don’t care doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting other people. I should qualify we are not talking about all his players, not everybody was riddled with STD’s, but a couple of key skaters, impact players, for whatever reason, would be absent week in and week out. On the surface this looks like an issue a GM has no control over, however, I would argue that GM”s need to be in the know. Did somebody just have a new baby? Does somebody work shift work? Maybe they are a firefighter, and have to spend the night sleeping and posing for calendars while at the same time bankrupting a city? These are the things the GM needs to know going into the draft.

Last year for the players that did show up, Phillip “The Thrillip” Busby was a key contributor, leading the team in goals just ahead of Nate “Peter” Brady. If we look to the bottom of the goals scored list, we find Jeff “D Man” Donaldson, who tallied just two goals last year. I’m not going to go too hard on D Man because he cleans the best sheets in Welland, but I will say that hall of fame level toe drag better get resurrected from the dead, before he finds himself cleaning the sheets permanently. He was outscored by T.J. “Closer on Land, Not on the Ice” Hatton who was drafted in the last round. Speaking of disappointments, Matt “Worst Wife” Backshall struggled through his rookie season, scoring only three goals. I don’t have much more to say about it, just wanted to talk shit about him (and his wife) on the internet. (How you like me now, Jen)?

Now we get to the part of the preview where we look at the GM himself, and the role that he fills on the ice. I’ve played hockey with and against Jay Thom on and off for 20 years. I’ve seen him play all positions, even goalie, but in the WNHL he is planted firmly on the blue line. I mean that literally, he doesn’t move his feet. I’ve seen him get windburn from players blowing past him. (He also passes up the middle a lot. Some early scouting for you new WNHLers). Where he is effective however, is in front of his own net where I’ve been on the receiving end of elbows, butt ends, slashes, and other unwanted touching. (Riverview Carly and I have the similar complaints). Thom locked down the rest of his defence last year with Brady and the man known only as Boots, but still gave up the most goals in the league at 120.

So what does he do this year? What changes for Thom who felt like he had the best team on paper last year? In the five spot there will still be some explosive offence available, but will there still be enough defencemen available by the time the draft snakes all the way back to him? I think Thom is going to split the difference and draft an offensive defenceman.

Prediction: Dalton “Egghead” Wilson