Crown Room Kings

As we move toward the end of the draft we find the excellently named, and mid logo’d Crown Room Kings, GM’d by “Slobby” Robby Foster. Foster might be the most battle tested GM in the WNHL. He spends his days teaching, but not just regular teaching, teaching the kids that can’t go to regular school. He’s heard and seen thing that would make you and your mother cry. He knows how to handle a room full of misfits which is why he’s a great GM in the WNHL. For the past two seasons the Kings have had great regular season success, but saw they playoffs go off the rails due to injuries. How does Foster overcome this playoff heartbreak? Let’s take a look at the Leafs of the WNHL the Crown Room Kings.

In the first two rounds the Kings went full skill by picking Skillvian Roy and Skillard. That’s a lot of skill straight out of Skilltown. Skillard comes into the new season after finally securing his first King Street Cup. See what happens when he doesn’t have the 240 lb albatross all season? Apparently one of them wins MVP. We’ve talked a lot about former first round talents falling into later rounds which means somebody has to replace them in the top rounds and that’s where we find Skillvian Roy. Bumped up to big dog status, Roy comes to the Kings looking to disprove the rumours that he is actually French. Roy and Foster will combine to lead the Kings to the All Flow Franchise.

In the next two rounds Foster dipped his toe in the rookie pool and pulled out Chewy “No nickname needed” McComber, and Dylan “Mr” Lahey. Foster once again showing the deep scouting department in the Kings organization found Chewy in the third and “Mr.” in the fourth. Chewy showed the prospect game that he is a first round talent on the ice and in the lot. Chewy is an offensive zone “Shitquake”, and “Mr” Lahey the brings the “Shiticane” from the back end and as a tandem they are a “loaded up a hair-triggered double-barreled shit machine gun, and the barrel’s pointed right at the WNHL”!

In the fifth round the Kings drafted Ethan Clark, but he was flipped at the trade deadline for Kings veteran “Big Daddy” Matty Dusso. I know when you look at Dusso you’re thinking “that guy doesn’t look like a hockey player, he obviously looks like a skier” and you’d be right. However, since moving from BC back to Ontario he finds the lack of mountains to be problematic for his alpine desires, so dirty dangles his way through the WNHL. Foster added to the core four defenceman by adding Carm “The Harm” G. (I checked for the proper spelling of his name on the website, but then realized that I run the website and haven’t known how to spell his last name for years), and Carl “The Better” Bering. Carl is the clearly the Schwarzenegger to Ryan’s Devito. The Kings double dipped on rookies again by picking “Crank the Dial” Kyle Brady, and Paul “Fan Favourite” Fanfara. Say Fan Favourite Fanfara a few times. Fanfavouritefanfara.

Now. As we all know, if you want to get to the top of the mountain, you want to lift the King Street, you need veteran leadership in the room. You need people who have gone into the trenches in the ice and in the lot. Foster knows that the Kings were an ankle injury away from glory last year, showing that he is no dummy has reunited The Fitness Line of Greg “Mr Wednesday Night” Bosak and the Icon, The Showstopper, Scotty “The Heartbreak Kid” Legend. The fitness line with Dino in between-o went wild last year and were a nightmare for the jobber goalies in the WNHL (especially named the ones named Nunn).

The Kings capped off the 2023 draft by selecting “Iron” Mike Atkinson, and Dennis “Den-Knee Mar-Tan” Martin. “Iron” Mike enters his second year and is a rose that is set to bloom under the change of management style after leaving the darkness of the Tunnellers for the sunshine of the Kings,. In the final round the Kings picked Den-Knee Mar-Tan and this has the chance to be the greatest draft pick of all time. Foster has set him up for success this year, and after looking at this roster success will follow. You are looking at your 2023 King Street Cup Champions

Prediction – 1st Place

Rose City Hockey Club

The second of the two expansion teams last year, but the only one that wasn’t an embarrassment The Rose City Hockey Club return looking to get even less embarrassing. Mike “The Glassman” Podio returns as GM of the franchise after setting the league on fire with his A+ merch game, and B+ on ice product. What does RCHC have to do to keep progressing in the WNHL? Podio gave himself a Quality Life Assessment and is now looking to go from Dead to Only Better. Lets see if Podio can Drink this Fucker Dry in the draft.

In the first round RCHC grabbed Petey “No Intensity” Nunn. (if you say that aloud it really flows off the tongue). Petey is a gentle little bunny rabbit, both off the ice and on. Just a bouquet of flowers and sunshine. A real joy to be around. At no point should anybody be intimidated by him, as he is just out there to have fun, and looks like it too.

You want scoring? Is that what you want? If so RCHC has got you covered. In the next three rounds RCHC picked “Soft” Sean Boychuck, Brian ” Price is Wrong Bitch” Barker, and last years Andy Bosak winner for the league MVP Ryan “Two First Names” Daniel. That’s a lot of goals coming RCHC’s way. If he can stay on the ice without complaining about his various ailments, Boychuck can be a dominant player, but he is another former first round pick whos stock is falling. Something about these first round players being soft as paper towels (Mox I’m looking at you). Finding Brian Barker in the third round is a huge score for RCHC. If I recall correctly, which I probably don’t, but he had 5 goals in his first WNHL game? Auston Matthews can suck it. In round four is where RCHC found our current league MVP, and scoring leader Ryan Daniel. Once he relinquished the reigns of the Merritt Islanders, he immediately set the league on fire with 32! goals. I mean, the Islanders went on to win the cup without him, but still 32 goals!

With the scoring locked down, RCHC turned their focus to defence for the middle rounds and picked Ryan “Not A” St. Pierre, Ben “Short Pants” Brown and Brian “Rusty” Rusnov. Adding these three to Mr. No Intensity Nunn builds a solid defensive foundation for RCHC. St. Pierre graduated from call up to full time WNHLer and has proved he belongs. He’s a prick on the ice but not in the lot. Perfect addition for the WNHL. Big Bad Ben Brown could be a number one defenceman on any team and Rusty Rusnov who ditched the Chippawa Blues to join the WNHL remains one of the more underrated players in the WNHL and is a steal in the 7th round even if he did play for Chippawa.

To finish out the snake rounds of the draft, RCHC picked up Jeff “El Cunado” Bodden, Rod “The Decaying Bod” Hazely and Sean “The Hawk” Strohak. Two of these three players should not have been drafted before me. Bodden entering his third year and has a total of 8 career goals and Rod Hazely is actively decaying before our eyes. Strohak, however, has an engine that won’t quit and legs that don’t stop moving. Good addition to the ice and the lot. Also in 6-8 months his son might be bigger than him and take his spot on the roster, so keep your eye out for future WNHLer Carter Strohak.

Finally we come to the last three rounds of the draft, the “straight” rounds as it were. In the last three rounds RCHC picked up Deaner to tend the goal. Let’s be honest here, Deaner isn’t as splashy a name as Rumsby or whatever, but he is a longtime WNHL goalie and quite frankly is under appreciated in this league by anybody who is not Podio. You go ahead and ask Podio his thoughts on Deaner, he’ll sort you out. Stopping pucks while giving no fucks. Charles “The Narc” Marcoux in his second season went next, and his brings his 1 career goal with him. In the final round Chris “Brittle Bones” Paco joins RCHC. Paco missed most of last year because he fell off his bike, but exceeded career totals in goals in the short time he player. Paco is my bet for most improved player this year, if he stays off of his bike.

I have to be honest here, RCHC look like a weapon out there. They definitely can put the puck in the net and the defence looks like the can keep the puck out. I would argue they lack some depth, and friendliness. I think RCHC will struggle in the parking lot, and may be last in the league in beer sales, which will hurt the on ice product.

Prediction – 3rd Place

Pelham Effing Hams

Last year saw the Dain City Dusters rebrand to the much improved Pelham Effing Hams, unfortunately, the on ice product remained the same. Stale. Stagnant. Unwinning. Unlikeable. At some point the fingers of blame have to be pointed at the long time GM of the franchise Bryan “Secondary Assist” Baz…. Baz. It’s just Baz. What does a struggling GM do to turn the franchise around? Will Baz continue to put himself on the line with the best players while the rest of the team is left to just figure it out? Does Baz have enough self respect to put out a competitive team? Let’s see how bad Baz botched the braft.

In the first round the Effing Hams made a splash by drafting “Big Balls” Blair Boychuk. Boychuk can be a controversial player on the ice but is a good addition to the room. It’s worth asking though if his toe has fully healed from his bout with gout? Too much salted and cured meats for ol’ Big Balls Boychuk. Following this pick, the Effing Hams grabbed three rookies in the next four picks. Baz was quoted as saying “No old trash on a new team”. Don’t look at me, he’s the one who said it. In the second round Baz picked rookie goaltender Joel “The Skid” Szgatti. Impressive showing in the prospects game pushed The Skid all the way up to the second round. The prospect game is one thing, but the grind of a full WNHL season is another, especially if your on the Effing Hams who consider playing defence to be “extra” and “high maintenance”

In the next three rounds Baz mostly stuck by his “no old trash” policy (his words, not mine) and sandwiched Dryden “The Stache” Marcotte between two more rookies, Jake “Big Mac” McDonald and Nick “Slick Dick” Rankin. (that’s a dick and a balls joke in the same write up. Not too shabby). Not much is known about either rookie, but I can tell you that Dryden can grow a mustache in between periods. Not just any mustache either, a healthy, vibrant, full blown duster. A duster that will make your mother jealous.

Moving on to the middle rounds the Effing Hams kept on boring by drafting Nate “Marsha” Brady with his goddamn green helmet (he should try fitting in too, or him and blue pants can’t start a movement), David Tucker “2.0”, and Callum “White Bread” Gomez. Brady is a good defenceman who can move the puck, Tucker was a rookie last year and was mostly invisible and Gomez can go off the glass and out with the best of them. He also might be the most boring person in the league. Just absent of personality. Would fit in great with the Murder lockerroom. Honestly, not much excitement brought by any of the three and the certainly won’t help bring home a King Street Cup.

However, if you want excitement, if you want pizzaz, the Effing Hams got you covered in the final two rounds of the straight draft by bringing in the wheeler and (more importantly) the dealer Kyle “Perc Master B” Boggio, and Chad “Fucking Hell*” Kellman. (*fucking hell to be said in exasperated tone) Boggio is a great late round pick, and adds energy to any room (mostly in pill form), and ol’ beavertails himself Kellman. Look C where C is D here, Kellman has wheels, but once he hits top gear he gets the speed wobbles, and it isn’t long before he’s gone right off the rails. (probably from hitting rails)

In the straight rounds the Effing Hams continued the rookie obsession by picking up Stef “From the Mean Rue’s” Giroux, Jon “Loins” Loisel and Steve “Playmaker” Pellerin, and honestly it just…

This year the Effing Hams became are rocking the youth movement. Going all in with the most rookies of any team, and turning his back on the players that brought him nothing over the years. You’ll see lead by example by rocking first line minutes while playing like he’s allergic to his own blueline. His points total will be up because nobody rocks imaginary second assists like Baz. I see nothing good in thier furture.

Prediction – 8th Place