6 – Crown Room Kings

As we climb further into the depths of hell, we come to Rob “Teacher of the Unteachable” Foster and the Crown Room Kings. Foster took over as GM for the fantasicaly named Crown Room Kings. A name that is in contention for the team name hall of fame. Can’t say the same for their logo though. To be fair, it was the very first team logo in the WNHL, and has served its purpose, I’m just saying it can do for a rebranding. There is such a huge pool of inspiration to draw on. It’s like this article is directed right at Foster eh? Weird. Anyway let’s take a look a the Kings draft preview.

Like Clubber Lang said, the Kings were paper champions. Last year on draft night the Crown Room Kings were the early favourites to win the coveted King Street Cup. Drafting Sean Boychuk in the first round last year proved to be a solid pick as he found himself amongst the scoring leaders. Foster followed that up with Cory “I don’t play in the WNHL anymore because I’m a huge coward” Hutchinson and Bill “The Swiss Army Knife” Crumm. Foster showed his keen scouting eye by picking Silvain “Believe it or not, not French” Roy who contributed with 16 goals in his rookie year. (I hope he’s not French, I think I remember that from the draft last year, but I was drunk and high, so….). (P.S. I mean I hope he’s not French for the sake of the joke, not like I hope he’s not French).

So you’re saying to yourself, damn, that’s a pretty good looking team. But wait, there’s more. He added on top of that, Dirty Dino Dangalena, and Teddy Ballgame. Foster bringing it a couple best guys for the room to balance out the douchiness that Hutchinson brought to the WNHL,. (WNHL isn’t made for the Ambercrombie / Faux hawk crowd). I haven’t even mentioned Peter “Intensity In Ten Cities” Nunn. He’s also good at hockey, and could go in the first round this year.

But wait. There’s more. You know how they say that the drafts are won in the middle to late rounds. The basic strategy here is how can you minimize the damage on the ice from having, let’s just call them unfortunate match ups, while also maximizing the “best guy” ratio in the room. (Nothing worse than sucking on ice and in the room, eh Kellman)? Burn. Foster navigated this by picking hall of fame room, and parking lot presence G “Never Met A Beer He Hasn’t Drank” Boz, and the impossible not to like Chris “Last Pick to Actual Pick” Paco. ‘ll say this too. I saw Paco with his one career goal on the ice in the final two minutes of a playoff game down by a goal and needing to win. Foster runs he team ih the true spirit of the WNHL, bros before goals. Haven’t even mentioned Al Clark. Goddamn what good guy that Al Clark is. They also drafted Neil Bahn.

This team played in the toilet bowl. The last place game. This team crumbled like the Maple Leafs while holding a 3-1 series lead against the Montreal Canadiens. Much like those same Maple Leafs, this team brought nothing in the playoffs. Lowest scoring team in the playoff. Where were Dino’s dirty dangles? Where was the rookie sensation Silvain “Sometime Y” Roy? (It’s an Italian vowel at the end of the name joke. Boy I’m making a lot of assumptions about a guy I’ve met like once). Did the weight of being a first round pick finally collapse on Boychuck’s tiny shoulders? They all disappeared like their fedora wearing teammate.

What does Foster do after such a horrific, unthinkable, heartbreaking collapse. How does he pick up the pieces from his crumbling empire? Lucky for the Kings fans out there, Foster is unshakable. He teaches high school kids, but not even regular high school kids, he teaches the bad kids. The ones that can’t be contained by a regular high school. There is nothing the WNHL can throw at him that can compare with that classroom, and that includes the upcoming draft.

Foster is a utility player, but I think he’s best served as a forward. That being said, with the snake draft, sitting in the six spot, his second pick isn’t very far away to secure top four defenceman. Foster needs scoring, and good room guy. Somebody with championship pedigree.

Prediction: Brian “Can’t Hide in the Fifth Round Anymore” Barker

5 – Lincoln Street Legends

Much like the Rocky franchise we find ourselves past the good ones, and are now in the Tommy Gunn part of the franchises. Jay Thom returns once again as GM for the Lincoln Street Legends where we here at the WNHL say “best logo, worst GM”. While the Legends have yet to find their way to the King Street Cup, Thom will tell you, without prompting, that he has been screwed the past two years. Let’s take a look at what they’ll do this year, and what excuses we may see being made.

In 2019 Thom was confident as a GM, his team was firing on all cylinders and found themselves on top of the standings, however, before the cup could be handed out the world shut down. Evidently the entire world did not want the Legends to win. When the league picked up play again, Thom picked a team that he told everybody would be his championship team, he was going to pick up right where they left off and bring home the greatest trophy in sports.

So what happened to the once great Lincoln Street Legends? How did they manage to go first to worst, and what will they do this year to right the ship? If you ask Jay Thom what the problems were last year, he’ll quickly point to attendance issues. It would appear the players that he drafted did not want to show up an play. Maybe they didn’t want to play for the GM? (Nobody said that, I’m just talking shit). They are just like people with STD’s. Just because they don’t care doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting other people. I should qualify we are not talking about all his players, not everybody was riddled with STD’s, but a couple of key skaters, impact players, for whatever reason, would be absent week in and week out. On the surface this looks like an issue a GM has no control over, however, I would argue that GM”s need to be in the know. Did somebody just have a new baby? Does somebody work shift work? Maybe they are a firefighter, and have to spend the night sleeping and posing for calendars while at the same time bankrupting a city? These are the things the GM needs to know going into the draft.

Last year for the players that did show up, Phillip “The Thrillip” Busby was a key contributor, leading the team in goals just ahead of Nate “Peter” Brady. If we look to the bottom of the goals scored list, we find Jeff “D Man” Donaldson, who tallied just two goals last year. I’m not going to go too hard on D Man because he cleans the best sheets in Welland, but I will say that hall of fame level toe drag better get resurrected from the dead, before he finds himself cleaning the sheets permanently. He was outscored by T.J. “Closer on Land, Not on the Ice” Hatton who was drafted in the last round. Speaking of disappointments, Matt “Worst Wife” Backshall struggled through his rookie season, scoring only three goals. I don’t have much more to say about it, just wanted to talk shit about him (and his wife) on the internet. (How you like me now, Jen)?

Now we get to the part of the preview where we look at the GM himself, and the role that he fills on the ice. I’ve played hockey with and against Jay Thom on and off for 20 years. I’ve seen him play all positions, even goalie, but in the WNHL he is planted firmly on the blue line. I mean that literally, he doesn’t move his feet. I’ve seen him get windburn from players blowing past him. (He also passes up the middle a lot. Some early scouting for you new WNHLers). Where he is effective however, is in front of his own net where I’ve been on the receiving end of elbows, butt ends, slashes, and other unwanted touching. (Riverview Carly and I have the similar complaints). Thom locked down the rest of his defence last year with Brady and the man known only as Boots, but still gave up the most goals in the league at 120.

So what does he do this year? What changes for Thom who felt like he had the best team on paper last year? In the five spot there will still be some explosive offence available, but will there still be enough defencemen available by the time the draft snakes all the way back to him? I think Thom is going to split the difference and draft an offensive defenceman.

Prediction: Dalton “Egghead” Wilson

4 – Rose City Hockey Club

We have now reached the first in our expansion teams, The Rose City Hockey Club (RCHC). New GM, but veteran WNHLer Mike Podio got the promotion to GM and is handed the reigns to his own team. How do I write a draft preview for a new GM and a new team? I have no idea. Be prepared for lots of filler, as we take a look at The Rose City Hockey Club.

It was almost done in secret. Even the members of the leadership committee were kept in the dark regarding Commissioner Jones plans to expand. He really puts the dick in dictator. When the news dropped and word got out that Podio had been named GM it was met with great enthusiasm throughout the WNHL. Podio, one of the more likable players in the WNHL (the complete opposite of Wurfel) used his “Ceremonial Snips” and cut the ribbon on the new franchise, branding it The Rose City Hockey Club. Podio nailed his first decision as GM.

So how does Podio follow up his 100% good decision rate? What does he do at the four spot in the draft? Damned if i know. End of preview.

The problem here with writing this preview is that Podio himself if a versatile player. He has been known to lock down the back end, but has also been seen dominating the center ice position. Podio uses his ample frame to protect the puck and control the play. It’s been said that playing against Podio makes you feel like you have “A Day and a Deathwish”

Of course Podio could always say “Fuck the Pain, Bring the Noise” and draft a goalie in the four spot. That would without a doubt sent the draft into chaos for the other 7 GM’s. There is a lot of talk about who is going to pull the trigger on a goalie first, with some inside sources saying they could see a goalie going in the first four picks. This could be his moment. Podio could give himself a “Quality Life Assessment” (you guys see what I’m doing here right?) and be the first to pull the goalie trigger. That begs the question as to what goalie would he pick? King Street Cup Champion and Mark Laforest award winner Colin Nunn? Perennial league leader Anthony Young? The Fenwick wildcard Nate Haist? Maybe he needs to consult with people that he “They That Trust” to make his decision. (really had to shoehorn that one in there)

In the end the world is Podio’s oyster sitting in the number four spot. He will have the ability to shape his franchise and take it in any direction he wants. Being drafted to the RCHC will at worse, feel like you’re “Dead Only Better”, and at best will be a “Rad Affair”. Being a member of the Atlas Steelers for so long, Podio has been on a room first team for a substantial time, and I believe he will be looking bring that philosophy to the Rose City Hockey Club. Maybe Podio will surpass the Atlas Steelers and “Murder Thy Maker”. Damn it’s getting hard to squeeze these in. Haddonfield.

Prediction – Colin Nunn