Here we stand on the brink of the unknown. Staring into an 8 team abyss., awash with beer, weed, and hockey tape. We find ourselves on the precipice of greatness, mere days away from setting on a journey that will leave no man unchanged and no beer undrunk. Wednesday night in the Crown Room at the historic Rex Hotel in Welland, 8 General Managers drew the battle lines, swore their allegiances, turned former teammates into enemies, tore families apart, pitted brother against brother and when the dust settled we established the eight squadrons that will set upon the quest for the Holiest of all Grails the King Street Cup.

Atlas Steelers

Coming out of the WNHL golf tourney / bbq, (which was graciously hosted at Chalet Campbell), The Atlas Steelers and their GM Jon Campbell stood atop the fallen with the number one pick. He was given the chance to shape the direction of the draft and hitched his wagon to Sean Boychuk. It’s certainly a safe choice, Boychuk is unquestionably one of the best players in the league and plays a two way game, which is important to establish on Campbells teams due to his own stead fast refusal to play in his own end. (Campbell has to carry an epi pen he’s so allergic to his own blue line).

Speaking of allergies and needles Eric “Unclean” SInclair returns to the WNHL and once again finds himself partnered with Campbell and the Atlas Steelers. These two have a perfectly normal relationship and we shouldn’t question why they can’t play hockey without each other, like ever. I think they get the shakes if they get too far apart. Sinclair a one time top round draft pick returns to the new WNHL and finds himself falling all the way to the bottom of the second round. Clearly the GM’s don’t see the same powerhouse he once was, or perhaps Campbell threatened their families should anybody even look at his precious.

I’ve spoken before about the kind of rooms the Steelers build and credit where credit is due, the Steelers may have a hall of fame room. Coming off his Mark Laforest award winning season, Colin “Holier Than A” Nunn becomes the first ever goalie drafted, and the Steelers followed this up by drafting a WNHL OG Phil “Passing Isn’t My Forte” Busby. Both high level players on the ice and high level room guys. Steelers continued to build a strong room by adding the WNHL’s Guy Fieri (that’s the fanciest chef I know), Eryn Warden, Gordie “Hooter” Hudak, Henry “Weeeeeeeeeens” Wiens and a returning Pete “Peewee” Voynovich. (By the way, somebody should tell him that holding is a penalty now. Even if you laugh while you do it). I dare you to find somebody, with something bad to say about any one of these guy. I double dog dare you. You can’t. The Steelers kept with the Steelers tradition of building a team from the room out and this year is no different.

The Steelers dipped their toes in the rookie pool bringing in James Mahon, who I don’t know enough about to give a clever nickname to, (I pretty sure he’s tall)? and Theron “The Welland Tiger” Ebert. These two will be brought onto the team to compliment second year player Jeff Bodden and Phil Hauser, both of whom I had to look up to see if they were rookies or not. So tells you what I know about these turds. They also drafted Fabiani.

That’s what the 2022-23 Atlas Steelers look like heading into the season. There is no question that the room will be a success, but will it transfer over to the ice? Probably not. I said a lot of things at the draft about the Steelers, I don’t remember exactly what, but I remember I made excellent points. Colin Nunn is entering the season under the spotlight as the number one goalie in the league and the Steelers in the past have not been known for their prowess in their own zone. The theory here seems to be, instead of trying to play defence , let’s put all the pressure on the goalie to bail us out. But hey, if the Steelers defence can execute tape to tape passes to the opponents blue line, Campbell will be waiting with some slick breakaway moves. There is enough offensive power on the Steelers to carry some games, so they won’t be pushovers, but I predict a middle of the pack finish this year in the standings, but a first place room.

Prediction: 4th

8 – Crowland Murder

We’ve come crashing all the way to the bottom of the draft ladder and find ourselves face to face with the second expansion team this year, the Crowland Murder. For those that don’t know a “murder” is what you call a group of crows. I can’t believe I have to explain that, but I’ve been in dressing with most of you, and some of you, not all, but some, are dumb as hell. You all know who I”m talking about.. Let’s take a look at the how the Crowland Murder will fare in their inaugural draft.

After stumbling out of the block with naming the team the Woodlawn Warriors, Chicken McChicken listened to the fan feedback and pivoted to the much better Crowland Murder. Now the franchise is set up with great branding, how do they fill the roster? Chicken finds himself at a slight disadvantage from the other GM’s as he’s not a born and bred Wellander. In fact he wasn’t even born in the region. He’s an interloper from Burlington or some shit like that. He also currently a resident of St. Catharines which is frowned upon here in the WNHL.

Out of the 7 other GM’s, Chicken has been in the league for the shortest amount of time. Brought into the league to play defence for the Dain City Dusters by Baz, Chicken quickly established himself as puck moving defenceman who could jump into the rush and contribute on the offence end. Problem was he was playing for the Dusters and they still have the “must pass to Baz” rule. Chicken is now freed from the oppressive regime of Baz and will get a chance to branch out on his own, spread his wings and leave his short and stocky mark on the WNHL.

Chicken sits at the bottom of the draft board, but of course with the WNHL bringing in the snake draft this year, Chicken will sit with back to back picks. He gets a great chance to set his team up with two key pieces to establish the core of the Crowland Murder. (Goddamn that’s a great name). So where does Chicken look? Does he start to raid the Dain City Dusters? I don’t know how good that will do, they haven’t won shit. Why pick another teams trash, you know?

Being in the unique spot of being the last overall pick, gives that unique opportunity to address two needs at once. He can grab and explosive scorer and a number one defenceman and set him up for the long wait all the way back to his picks at the end of round #3. Chicken is participating in his first draft and there is a chance he under prepares and gets quickly overwhelmed, or he could sit quietly in the pocket and establish the first ever expansion champion. It all starts on August 24th at the Rex Hotel when Chicken will select;

Prediction: Sean and Blair Boychuck.

This concludes our eight part draft preview. Stay tuned in this space for our 8 part draft analysis following the WNHL Draft on August 24th, at the WNHL Headquarters The Rex Hotel. Come be part of history as the WNHL has our first ever 8 team snake draft featuring goalies. What an event. Don’t want to miss it.

Before we proceed to the next preview, we here at www.wnhlwelland.ca need to acknowledge our mistake. I made one once in 1992 and now I’ve made my second. In a rush to meet the very strict deadlines set by our editors, I overlooked a player in part 6 of the preview. When talking about best guys, (again in my haste and under the threats of bodily harm) I failed to mention, The Puerto Rican Supermodel, the Wheeler and Dealer (wink) Kyle “Supermullet” Boggio. When your talking about best guys he’s right there at the top of the list. A huge presence in front of the net, in the room, and in the parking lot where he definitely isn’t selling percocet.

7 – Merritt Islanders

We move on now to the Merritt Islanders who have moved on to a new GM in Tyler Stack, after years of obsessive management by Ryan “Really Loves Willard” Daniel. (Also, not DanielS. He’s a two first name guy, as if he’s not weird enough). Stack a longtime WNHLer and the inaugural WNHL All Start Champion, had the option to pick anywhere he wanted. He chose 7th. His first move as a GM is a bold one or the dumbest move ever seen in WNHL history. Just rocks in the head kind of dumb. Should probably move out of town kind of dumb. Canada flags on the back of your truck level dumb. Let’s have a look.

Once again we have a new GM taking over so we don’t have a history to look at, so I’m forced to make stuff up. Stack is a long time WNHLer. Nope, said that part already. He’s pretty good at hockey. He’s got a brother that’s a bit of weirdo but is the Gretzky of naming WNHL teams and is responsible not only for the Merritt Islanders name but also the WNHL Xmas Classic Champions the Seaway Maulters. (Captained by Scotty Legend, thank you very much) Stack also owns a plumbing business (for all your plumbing needs call Stack Plumbing). That exhausts my knowledge on Tyler Stack.

Stack is a longtime WNHLer, and when he’s not fixing pipes or denting twines, he can be found managing the Rose City Thorns Baseball Club. (Speaking of fantastic names). At the time of this article the Thorns are a half game out of first, so it’s clear the management in his blood, be it plumbing companies, baseball teams or hockey teams, as we saw when he captained the original WNHL All-Start team to the first evet championship. (Team featured future first ballot hall of famer Scotty Legend) Stack could look to the Thorns roster, and pick up players like, Teddy Ballgame, the more likeable of the Beadle brothers, Kris “All Natural” Habjan, or Matt “Hope He Was Better at Baseball” Backshall. That’s actually pretty good line if you replace Backshall with somebody who doesn’t suck so much.

Stack is a long time WNHLer and as such knows the league and the players in it. He been in the game since day one and has seen them all come and go. He witnessed the rise and fall of the Welland Undertakers, the struggles of the Welland River Rats, and the staggering incompetence of the StelCobras.

Stack is a longtime WNHLer and has played on lots of teams, and last year he played on the Islanders. He had a chance to see first hand what plagued the team. Maybe it was the fact that he only scored six goals last year, but who’s to say, we weren’t in the room with them. For the past few seasons the Islanders core was made up of Daniel, Willard “Yellow Fever” Willardson, Pat “Try Hard, DIck” Riley (that comma is important because otherwise it’s just a suggestion), and Shawn “Just a DIck” McKinnon, who spends the off season building up good will with his generous donations from Merritt Brewing, only to destroy is all six games into the season.

Stack is a longtime WNHLer and has seen all the drafts, including Xmas Classics and WNHL All Start drafts. After making one of the riskiest moves and picking seventh, Stack will sit with almost back to back picks. You can bet he’s going one offensive and one defensive player. Stack thrives in an offensive role, even though he only scored 6 goals, (and hits, .069. Maybe Stack lowkey sucks at sports)? It appears he’s going to need to bring in some offensive help. Perhaps a three time champion? Perhaps a reigning MVP? Perhaps a pick that will disrupt the current King Street Cup Champions the Townline Tunnelers core?

Prediction: Chris “MVP” Woods