Rose City Hockey Club

We move now to the first of two expansion teams for the 22-23 season the well named Rose City Hockey Club (RCHC). Longtime WNHLer Mike Podio has rose to the ranks from 4th line scrub all the way up to general manager. Handed the reigns of his own franchise Podio nailed his first decision as GM by with the branding of the new team. Can he follow it up an select a team worthy of playing under such a great name. Let’s analyze, scrutinize and criticize.

Right off the blocks RCHC got their franchise player in former MVP Dalton ‘Huge Nerd” Wilson. This is a great pick if you like eggheads who do math equations on the bench. Just real nerd shit. RCHC made a bold choice in the second round by grabbing Silvan “Still Can’t Believe He’s Not French” Roy. Last year in his rookie season Roy made an impact on the WNHL and finished top 10 in scoring. RCHC obviously feels that he can continue to grow after spending the offseason training by crushing OV’s and Rex six slicers.

Podio continued to strengthen the defence by drafting Brian “Straight Outta Chippawa” Rusnov. Rusnov a rookie to the WNHL comes over after a successful career manning the blue line for the Chippawa franchise before they folded. They followed this pick with Ben Brown who is as exciting as his name would suggest. RCHC tipped their cards a bit through the middle rounds and drafted last years call up, Ryan St. Pierre, former Islanders GM Ryan “Hold the S” Daniel, and Callum Gomez. It would appear the RCHC does not want people talking in the room. So he addressed this need by picking three players that don’t or possibly are unable to talk.

RCHC hitched their goalie wagon to Dean Dean the Goalie Machine. Dean has had his ups and downs in the WNHL and is recovering from a knee injury that kept him out of action for some time, Dean is looking to rebound and regain his average goalie status. RCHC also doubled up on the Brady brothers, bringing Nate “Dogg” Brady and his brother Scott “Not a Legend” Brady. However, RCHC then split up the Marcoux brothers drafting only Shawn, while GM Mike Podio was heard saying that Charles isn’t even worth the breath it would take to say his name. (His words not mine). RCHC locked down their room presence with Shawn “The Terrace Ave. Workhouse” who hasn’t found a corner he won’t grind,. and straight from the circus, you’re favourite freakshow and mine, Le Grand Alain. RCHC has a good team to launch the franchise, but not good enough.

Prediction: 5th

The Pelham Effing Hams

Much like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, we have the Pelham Effing Hams arising from the blunt ashes of the Dain City Dusters. The Dusters struggled through their existence in the WNHL bringing home zero King Street Cups, zero first place finishes, zero fans. Some would point to the closure of the both the Dain City Tavern and the Bridge really struck a blow to the fanbase of the Dusters, others would point to their original logo as one that actually repelled fans from aligning themselves with a team that looks like the logo was drawn by a 16 year old that just tried their first beer.

After negations for a new arena broke down, the Dusters set fire to the old arena and Baz walked away looking all badass while it exploded behind him. Baz then wandered the wastelands until he struck a deal with Pelham to set up shop again. (It’s important to note the difference between Pelham and Fonthill. One has farms, one has streets made of gold). The Pelham Effing Hams are now an established franchise and ready to take on the world. Baz had the third overall pick and last year’s Dan Girardi award winner, rookie of the year and King Street Cup champion Kevin Wright fell “right” (see what i did there)?in his lap. That a franchise player for the Effing Hams. Baz no doubt recognized one of the problems that plagued the Dusters was year was keeping the puck out of their own net, so Baz doubled down on defenceman and picked up “Goddamn” Boots, and former Mark Laforest award winner Anthony Young. That is a strong defensive core which is needed because if you think Jon Campbell doesn’t play in his own zone. Baz makes him look like a less french looking Patrice Bergeron.

With all that defence, where are the goals going to come from? Apparently from a cloud of reefer, as the “Red Eye Jedi” Chris Bosak takes over responsibility for the Effing Hams offence. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a guy who is likely 4 beers and 3 blunts deep by puck drop. Baz added rookie Michael “Resistance is Futile” Borg before jumping back on the “d” (see what i did there?) and picking up Carl “Good To See You” Bering. Effing Hams hoping the Tunnelers strategy of backend first, but the Tunnelers have Cockell, Baz picked up on Jeff “Clean Sheets” Donaldson. It’s like getting the Oates, or the Garfunkel, or either one of Seals and Croft of the WNHL. Donaldson was once feared in this league for his lethal toe drag, but like Samson when Donny lost his beard he lost his toe dragging power.

The Effing Hams didn’t shy away from the rookies by picking up Albert “What’s what’s app” Garofalo, Steve Pellerin and Jon Loisel who I don’t know well enough to make fun of them on Al Gore’s internet yet. The Effing Hams TJVB from the Lincoln Street Legends and to top of the room the Effing Hams went both ways by added league favourite Kyle “How many jokes can I make about him selling pills” Boggio and league pariah Chad “Beavertails” Kellman. The Effing Hams quest for the cup starts on Wednesday, but will come up short due to lack of scoring.

Prediction: 5th

Townline Tunnelers

“To be the man, Wooooooo, you have to beat the man” – “Nature Boy” Ric Flair.

Ric Flair knows what it takes to win championships (and where to get cheap valtrex), and so does GM Craig Laro and the Townline Tunnelers. The reigning King Street Cup Champions are set to defend their title against an expanded field of eager and hungry (because a large portion of them are high) competitors. Will the Tunnelers have what it takes to repeat as champions? As far as I can remember, the only two people every to win back to back King Street Cups are Chris “Reigning MVP” Woods and Scotty “G.O.A.T” Legend. (This has not been fact checked, but I’m printing it anyway) Craig “Sky Caught Fire” Laro is coming back for another year as GM of the Tunnelers, and sat in the second position in the draft. Let’s scrutinize and criticize shall we?

Why change what works rights? Within the first four rounds Laro managed to unite former MVP Alan Cockell, current MVP Chris Woods and the unshakable Colin Cook. Laro, Cockell, Woods, and Cook make up the Tunnelers core, and this year Laro added rookies Ethan Clark who with brother Liam make up the Fantastical Flying Clark brothers. This is a huge get for the Tunnelers, as these two, while not twins, are in the running for ugliest siblings with the Sedin’s and those twins for the original Degrassi.

As ugly as they might be the Clark brothers can play, and could form a power line with Craig “Dumptruck” Dunsby who jumped ship with Tucker 2.0 from the Atlas Steelers (blood not blue enough). Both players entering their second season in the WNHL and both bring grit to the ice, and character to the room. With the powderkeg that is Cockell and Woods you need some deterrent. Something to put out the flames when the Tunnelers are down 2 in early in the second. The Tunnelers did a good job of adding to their room through the later rounds of the draft with such gems as, John “Two First Names” Harvey (who is looking to stake his legacy in the WNHL with back to back cups), Mike “Fought the” Law and Kenny “Lemieux” Oost are Tunnelers for life it would seem (so they are familiar with the goings ons and what nots) while Jeff “Spins” O’Neil returns after playing fot the Lincoln Street Legends for a year. The year that the Tunnelers won the cup. Weird.

In the final two rounds Laro added rookie Mike Atkinson (I have no idea who this is, so I’m just going to move on) and in the last round goalie Denis Martin (pronounced Den-Knee Mar-Tain as if you grew up on the East Side of Welland). It was said that the Tunnelers could have won the King Street Cup with me in net, and it appears that Laro is going to test that theory. The Tunnelers brought back a lot of players from last years King Street Cup winning squad, but there are a couple noticeable absences on the blue line that Laro will need to fill. The Tunnelers are going to be contenders this year, but I think there are too many holes in the armour and the King Street Cup Hangover gets to them.

Prediction: 2nd