Townline Tunnellers

Owners of possibly the best logo in the league, the Townline Tunnelers, led by GM Craig Laro, are coming back after a season more disappointing then the last season of Game of Thrones (according to nerds on the internet). Laro looking to restore the team to it’s former greatness will be doing so with the second pick in the draft. Let’s have a look at what the Tunnellers did at the draft and tell them all the places they screwed up.

In the first round the Tunnellers picked Cockell. Surprise surprise right in your goddamn eyes. Cockell going in the first round is as predictable as him calling somebody a piece of shit on Twitter. (follow Cockell on twitter, it’s a wild ride). In the second round the Tunnellers selected Dino “The Kid” Maddalena. Unreal guy. Nothing negative to say about The Kid. This dude names his stick “Showtime”, how can you not like that? In the third round Laro secured the back end by drafting Colin “Holier Than A” Nunn. (I know I used that joke last year but it’s a 10/10). Thing about Nunn is he’s a good goalie, and he does cool stuff like this:

Laro is a veteran GM, he’s been around the block. He’s led the Tunnellers to a King Street Cup Championship, he knows that good teams require balance. You saw in the first few rounds, how Cockell is balanced out with Dino. The Tunnellers picked Pat “Try Hard” Riley, and then immediately balanced that out with a Cboz, AND an Al Jones. That’s a lot of room capital to have to spend to balance out what Pat Riley brings. (intensity and dickishness).

Laro followed the blue print to the King Street Cup and locked down the blue line in the next two rounds. Joining Laro on the blue line will be the founder of the Crown Room Kings and longtime defenceman Eryn “The Chef” Warden and James “The” Mahon. The depth of the league stands how here, because after and outstanding rookie campaign “The” was still available in the eighth round. He’s an oak tree of a human who can skate. You know what? It’s probably because of his blue pants. He’s not popular enough to stand out.

Speaking of balance, the Tunnellers picked Grant Vash “eesh” and the Jeff “Psycho” Saylor in back to back rounds. Both of these players are psychopaths but on opposite ends of the spectrum. Saylor put pineapple on his pizza, ate it with a knife and fork and then did this to his own teammate;

In the championship rounds the Tunnellers finished off the roster by grabbing Scott “Marsha” Brady, Tommy “Wood Sticks” Muir and Alex “The Rizz God” Rysdale. I don’t know much about Scott Brady but he has the same first name as me, so I don’t like him. Tommy Wood Sticks is a great room guy brought in to balance out the unlikable Scott Brady (seriously dude, change your name) and I heard that Rysdale rizzed up Livvy Dunne. (that’s a sentence that only makes sense to the under 30’s in our league).

Throughout the draft Laro displayed his veteran GM knowledge by keeping a balanced of dick to non dick players. It should served him well through the season. The defence and goaltending are strong. Cockell, Dino, Riley and Cboz provide a good scoring front. Is it enough to garner a championship? Close but no blunt.

Prediction – 2nd Place

Part 1 – Merritt Islanders

As the sun rises on another WNHL season, we find ourselves on the precipice of greatness. The greatness that comes from driving down a couple slices, couple beers and couple joints, then hitting the ice with a bunch of other middle aged dudes (shut up Brock) in an attempt to hoist the most prestigious trophy in all of sports the King Street Cup. Last year it was the Merritt Islanders, led by GM Tyler Stack, who navigated their way through the season, and were able to hoist the most prestigious trophy in all of sports. As a reward for this glory they somehow received the first overall pick in this years draft because whatever the hell. Let’s take a look at what they did from the position of power.

With the first overall pick in the draft, the Islanders drafter last years Gerald Young award winner for best defenceman Kevin Wright. It’s about as obvious of a first pick as you can get. 2 King Street Cups, 1 WNHL Xmas Classic Championship, WNHL Rookie of the year, 2023 Spring 4 on 4 Champion. The guys resume is almost as impressive as the WNHL’s own Scotty Legend. Islanders kept the good times rolling by selecting Mark Doyle in the second round, building a room full of guys who don’t say much but who are pretty good at hockey. Meanwhile Jon Campbell filled his diaper knowing that the chances of playing with Doyle again are diminishing forcing Campbell to have to associate with people outside the Fonthill blood line.

After snagging Cousin Save in the third round, marking his highest draft position and upping the pressure on him, the Islanders secured their blue line by grabbing last years rookie standout Darren Dimarco, longtime WNHL blueline stalwart Jeff Beadle, and the swiss army knife of the WNHL Billy Crumm. Combining these three with Kevin Wright puts the Islanders blue line on par with…i don’t know, probably the actual Islanders defence? Who do they have? I can’t tell you, but I can tell you who they don’t have, Jeff Beadle, that’s who.

Moving in to the mid rounds of the draft, Islanders grabbed Evan “I swear I’ll make videos for the league” Fabiani and the bespectacled Jake Hope. Hope is a great pick if you’re looking players who can stick handle, probably score a couple but absolutely can not stay on his feet. This dude hits the ice more times then your average crystal meth user. Stack then looked at his draft board and muttered “hmm, too likeable of a team, I know the remedy for that”. Then drafted Shawn McKinnon just to balance it out. Say what you will about McKinnon, and I have, but you can’t argue with his dedication and intensity. Taking a bus from and playing like he is from Hamilton, and you can’t ignore the fact that he scored a critical goal in the playoffs to propel the Islanders to the King Street Cup finals. Still though, guy is kind of a huge dick.

As they advanced to the championship rounds, the Islanders picked up two Daves a Dom and a Jon (who is really screwing up the whole “D” thing). Dave Nolan (Ryan) and Dave “The Inspector” Gomez join Cousin Dave bringing the Islanders to the only 3 Dave team in the league. Tough to compete with 3 Daves it would seem. Islanders capped off the draft with rookie Dom Reid and Jon Misir. I have nothing to say about either of these players.

The Islanders, who are looking to repeat, definitely secured the blue line, but the question remains, can Stack and Doyle carry the offence enough for a repeat championship? No. No they can’t.

Prediction: 3rd Place

Crowland Murder

In the final spot in the draft board sat expansion team the Crowland Murder. After rumours swirled about potentially being named the Woodlawn Warriors (a.k.a. the Generic Generic’s) Chicken set the league on fire with the Crowland Murder. Chicken McChicken was anointed GM by the commish after spending years roaming the WNHL blue lines for the Legends and the Dusters. Now on his own, free from the tyranny of Baz, Chicken will finally get a chance to fly on his own. He found himself with the last draft position, but with the addition of this years snake draft, Chicken was the first GM ever to make back to back picks. Did he screw it up? Let’s have a look see.

Using his historic position as the first double pick the Crowland Murder selected Ryan “Spray Tan” Bering, and Mark “What’s an Andy” Doyle. Bering a former number one overall pick has seen his stock slide all the way to 8th. Will that motivate him enough to actually pass the puck this year? History says no. Then from high top his golf course throne, where he looks down at the lesser thans, Doyle emerges and blesses the Murder with his presence. This is the first year we’ve seen Doyle playing without Campbell which is why we’ll see Jon with 4 goals this year. Can Doyle thrive away from the cushy Fonthill life and learn to go hard like Crowland? For real though, Crowland go hard.

Not only did he leave the Dusters but Chicken took Dryden “The Mustache” Marquette with him. Chicken and Dryden will make a strong defensive core for the Murder and are going to be tough to play against in their own zone. The Murder (it’s just fine to type) picked up on Frankie “The Tankie” Mauro and Bill “The Thrill” Crumm. Solid selections for the expansion franchise, players that can play up and down the lineup as they say, and great room additions. They also brought in the villain of the WNHL Steve “The Pet Peeve” Wurfel. Wurfel isn’t afraid to get in the mix, and try to goon it up, (as far as WNHL standards go). Then just to watch the world burn the Murder drafted Zach “The Wildcard” Haist. The only player in WNHL history to have a rule named after him because he is such a goddamn cheater.

Going into the championship rounds the Murder added brought in Ryan “All Natural” Habjan, and the returning Chris “The Hipster” Hugye. Straight from last years call up list Tommy “Woodstick” Muir gets a full time spot with this years Murder squad. (that’s also fun to write). The Murder ended the draft with the rookie trifecta with Alex “AR4” Rysdale, Jason “The Closer” Hatton, and BJ “Mr. Irrelevant” Mowatt who won a wonderful gift basket at the draft. The Murder are a wildcard, anything goes.

Prediction: 4th