Pelham Effing Hams

Last year saw the Dain City Dusters rebrand to the much improved Pelham Effing Hams, unfortunately, the on ice product remained the same. Stale. Stagnant. Unwinning. Unlikeable. At some point the fingers of blame have to be pointed at the long time GM of the franchise Bryan “Secondary Assist” Baz…. Baz. It’s just Baz. What does a struggling GM do to turn the franchise around? Will Baz continue to put himself on the line with the best players while the rest of the team is left to just figure it out? Does Baz have enough self respect to put out a competitive team? Let’s see how bad Baz botched the braft.

In the first round the Effing Hams made a splash by drafting “Big Balls” Blair Boychuk. Boychuk can be a controversial player on the ice but is a good addition to the room. It’s worth asking though if his toe has fully healed from his bout with gout? Too much salted and cured meats for ol’ Big Balls Boychuk. Following this pick, the Effing Hams grabbed three rookies in the next four picks. Baz was quoted as saying “No old trash on a new team”. Don’t look at me, he’s the one who said it. In the second round Baz picked rookie goaltender Joel “The Skid” Szgatti. Impressive showing in the prospects game pushed The Skid all the way up to the second round. The prospect game is one thing, but the grind of a full WNHL season is another, especially if your on the Effing Hams who consider playing defence to be “extra” and “high maintenance”

In the next three rounds Baz mostly stuck by his “no old trash” policy (his words, not mine) and sandwiched Dryden “The Stache” Marcotte between two more rookies, Jake “Big Mac” McDonald and Nick “Slick Dick” Rankin. (that’s a dick and a balls joke in the same write up. Not too shabby). Not much is known about either rookie, but I can tell you that Dryden can grow a mustache in between periods. Not just any mustache either, a healthy, vibrant, full blown duster. A duster that will make your mother jealous.

Moving on to the middle rounds the Effing Hams kept on boring by drafting Nate “Marsha” Brady with his goddamn green helmet (he should try fitting in too, or him and blue pants can’t start a movement), David Tucker “2.0”, and Callum “White Bread” Gomez. Brady is a good defenceman who can move the puck, Tucker was a rookie last year and was mostly invisible and Gomez can go off the glass and out with the best of them. He also might be the most boring person in the league. Just absent of personality. Would fit in great with the Murder lockerroom. Honestly, not much excitement brought by any of the three and the certainly won’t help bring home a King Street Cup.

However, if you want excitement, if you want pizzaz, the Effing Hams got you covered in the final two rounds of the straight draft by bringing in the wheeler and (more importantly) the dealer Kyle “Perc Master B” Boggio, and Chad “Fucking Hell*” Kellman. (*fucking hell to be said in exasperated tone) Boggio is a great late round pick, and adds energy to any room (mostly in pill form), and ol’ beavertails himself Kellman. Look C where C is D here, Kellman has wheels, but once he hits top gear he gets the speed wobbles, and it isn’t long before he’s gone right off the rails. (probably from hitting rails)

In the straight rounds the Effing Hams continued the rookie obsession by picking up Stef “From the Mean Rue’s” Giroux, Jon “Loins” Loisel and Steve “Playmaker” Pellerin, and honestly it just…

This year the Effing Hams became are rocking the youth movement. Going all in with the most rookies of any team, and turning his back on the players that brought him nothing over the years. You’ll see lead by example by rocking first line minutes while playing like he’s allergic to his own blueline. His points total will be up because nobody rocks imaginary second assists like Baz. I see nothing good in thier furture.

Prediction – 8th Place

Lincoln Street Legends

So close. Yet so far. The Legends, led by the very likeable, the easy to get along with, my friend, your friend, friend of the refs, Jay “Ray of Sunshine” Thom made it all the way to the dance last year only to lose in humiliating fashion to the Merritt Islanders. I won’t post the score as to save Jay Thom more embarrassment, but it was a lot to a little. So how does Jay Thom pick himself up off the dirt yet again to face another year in the Champagne of Beer Leagues? Let’s have a look at the Buffalo Bills (consistent losers) of the WNHL.

In the first round the Legends made the safe pick by grabbing Dalton Wilson. Wilson a longtime WNHL defenceman has garnered enough individual hardware to open up a Home Depot, however, still finds himself on the wrong end of the likeability scale for three reasons; 1)Math Nerd, 2)Bad Mustache,(trying to affiliate with us good mustache guys. Mike Atkinson I’m looking at you) and 3) the worst offence of them all, becoming a firefighter. Now he can help bankrupt municipalities while sleeping for 8-10 hours a night. What a hero.

The Legends, now with Jay Thom and Dalton Wilson on the blue line, looked to find some scoring and picked the Mariah Carey of the WNHL, Ryan “Queen Diva” Bering. Bering a former first round pick has now fallen to the second round with the rumours being that he is difficult to manage in the dressing room. Look, dudes from Fonthill, they run different. They are born with a sense of superiority that only comes after being told since birth that 892 means I’m better than you. Bering is hoping for a bounce back year and the rumours are that he found a spray tan that won’t run when he sweats, so he’s at least got that going for him.

In the third and fourth rounds we see the dichotomy of two picks, one being the most overrated and the other being the most underrated players in the WNHL. In the third round the Legends picked up Christ “Rat Fink” Accursi. This can generously be described as a bit of a reach. Accursi seemingly passes the eye test. Seems friendly in the room, good skater, good puck control, but when you look deeper is when you find out that Accursi is the biggest fraud in the WNHL. Year after year he’s drafted in the top rounds yet has reached double digit goals just twice in his career, if he manages to show up to more than half the games. His inflated assist totals will take a hit when Brock “Conky” Conklin can no longer carry his game. His game is as fake as his handshake. In the fourth round however, we have the ONLY 3 time King Street Cup Champion, a league MVP, a scoring champion and a player that’s full of passion, Chris “Hall of Fame” Woods. This absolute disrespect by leaving this kind of resume until the fourth round, but apparently Legends just had to have a overrated rat in the previous rounds. Anybody else think it’s weird that they drafted two players back to back with combined height of six feet? (Throw Ryan “Tiny” Bering in there while we’re talking about it)

In the middle rounds the Legends secured the mid level talent in the draft by picking up Mike “I just need a break for a year or two” Watson, Aron “A-Ron” Bahn and rookie Spencer Cook. Cook had some impressive outings in the prospects game, but still needs to prove himself in the show. Mike Watson returns after an impressive rookie year that apparently took so much out of him he needed a break for two years. The mental and physical toll of the WNHL is real. Aron Bahn who has finally adapted to the league and manages to play even if his brother is not on the same team, which is a big step for him. We here at www.wnhlwelland.ca are all very proud. The Bahn brothers are interesting because one looks like he was chiseled out of marble, while the other looks like he eats marbles.

The Legends micicked the the Crowland Murder “triple b” picks by going full WWE and picking triple H. Hugye, Habjan, and Hatton. Chris “Hillbilly” Hugye, one of the nicest players in the league and a great addition to a team if you’re looking to cook up a full pig. Hugye is there to balance out the intensity of Kris “Intensity in 10 Cities” Habjan. Habber is a great guy to pick if you need the most intense guy in the room to score one goal. Finally you get T.J. “The Closer, but is he”? Hatton. T.J. is a good mix of the previous two picks, great room guy, but also has some of that famous Habjan intensity. They’ll score the same amount of goals.

In the final three rounds, the Legends grabbed goalie and most improved player Drewbie ‘The Newbie” Milkovich, TJVB, and Henry “Chixdigit” Weins. I’m not sure what you want me to say here. Drewbie is looking to climb the ranks of the goalie charts, Weins captained the Welland Blue Stars to a Christmas Classic Championship, and TJVB exists.

This team is 100% mid. Good isn’t good enough, the bad is too bad for a championship and the leadership is…let’s say…temperamental.

Prediction – 7th Place

Crowland Murder

In the third overall spot in this year’s WNHL draft we have the Crowland Murder, led by GM Chicken McChicken. One of the better named teams in the league, The Crowland Murder had a disastrous expansion year, last year, finishing in dead last. It’s like they were Murdered. Ha! Rumours on the street were that Chicken lost the room after first round pick Ryan Bering displayed his Fonthill like diva behaviour. The question remains, did Chicken gain enough GM knowledge to navigate the rocky seas of the WNHL season? Let’s see if Chicken botches it again.

The Murder started off by going triple “B” in the first three rounds, Brock, Beadle and Boots. The good, the bad and the ugly, it’s up for you to decide who is who. After last years first round pick flamed out, the Murder went back and picked up one of the three under 30’s that have been grandfathered in to play with their grandfathers. Brock made a big splash last year after a certain WNHL pundit said he would only score 10 goals. Apparently he took that personally. Scored 26. Loser behaviour. Chicken knows, like most do, that it can be difficult to communicate with dudes in their 20’s, that’s why he brought in Teddy Ballgame. While not in his 20’s anymore, Ballgame still has to associate with dudes in their 20’s in his role as veteran role model on the Beamsville Stingers where bats an impressive .340! That’s “lit” or something equally as stupid. (Seriously though, .340?!?! Goddamn.) Finally we come to Boots. Boots is a character. The WNHL ice time is one hour long. Boots is in the arena for one hour and eight minutes total. Smokes weed in his truck by himself before games, in the room and dressed in 4 minutes, puts his blue pants on, plays baked for 53 minutes a game, and then out of the room in four minutes and back home to wherever the hell.

In the middle rounds Chicken picked up Craig Dunsby and longtime WNHL tender Anthony Young. Boring. What am I supposed to say about these two? If they team up maybe they can form one personality. Both good at hockey, Young has won some boring accolades over the years. Moving on before I fall asleep, to the sixth round where the Murder drafted Matt Dusso who was later swapped for Ethan “Don’t Call Me Peethan” Clark bringing a second under 30 to the team. Teddy Ballgame is going to have to be a full time translator to the rest of the room as the Murder have embraced the youth movement. Chicken made a solid pick in the 7th round by grabbing Mike Law. Law has been around the block, and even though he looks like an unmade bed he has found a scoring touch in the WNHL, reaching double digit goals twice.

In the last three rounds of the snake portion of the draft the Murder picked up three unremarkable dudes (that should not have been picked before me). Spins, Albert “Your Palbert” Garofalo, and Phil “All Skill, No Thrill” Hauser. This is the part of the draft where teams are supposed to pick veteran leadership, with championship credentials to guide them through the grind of a WNHL season. Instead the Murder picked these three anonymous jabronis. Feels like a miss to me, but what do I know, I’m only a 2x King Street Cup Champion, a 2x WNHL All Star Champion, 2021 Xmas Classic Champion, 2023 Grinder of the Year and a future first ballot hall of famer, but no, you go ahead and pick Al. I can be talking about either one because the Murder also drafted that circus sideshow freak Le Grande Alain. Nobody needs be that tall and French.

Yeah. That’s a real murderers row.

The Murder finished the draft by picked up Jason “The Rat” Hatton and Kurt “Skrrrrt” Deveries. Hatton returns for his second year with the Murder, while Skrrrrt will be debuting as a rookie. Both players with something to prove while still wearing WNHL diapers.

I mean…

That’s your 2023 Crowland Murder. In his second year as GM, Chicken is learning on the go and made safe choices and picked a seemingly drama free team. So safe and drama free they become boring. The tofu of the WNHL. I can picture the room with whatever generic modern country song playing, each enjoying one, and ONLY one beer because they have to drive home and refuse to be irresponsible. A quick firm handshake on the way out the door, and you’re home in 15.

After last year’s fiasco, the Murder will consider any improvement to be a success. They are better, not the best.

Prediction – 5th place