Atlas Steelers

The only original four franchise still standing The Atlas Steelers are once again under new management. After Jon Campbell failed to bring the franchise a championship he stepped aside in disgrace to allow better looking management take over. The WNHL’s Ryan Seacrest, “Philthy” Phil Busby takes the reigns of the Steelers and looks to restore the franchise to their former glory. The Steelers won two of the first three King Street Cups, but fell on hard times under the management of Campbell. His strategy of drafting heavily from the Fonthill region did not pan out and fans called for his resignation. Let’s see how “Philthy” Phil reshapes the once great Steelers.

With the last pick in the first round the Steelers picked the “Walking Condominium” Lance Romance. Just an absolute menace year in and year out in the WNHL. Romance looks like a dad who is trying way to hard against his kids team. It’s a safe, can’t miss good start for the Steelers. Then Busby sent the goddamn world on fire and drafted Ryan “Scumsby” Rumsby. Rumsby is the only player in WNHL history to win back to back King Street Cups, first as a player, then after returning to his natural position, one as a goalie. This is the highest a goalie had ever been picked, Busby showed up, rocked the boat, and sent shockwaves through the GM’s table. I would argue that this pick altered the draft strategy’s of more than one GM.

Just when things started looking good for the Steelers, Busby couldn’t help himself, dipped his toe in the heated salt water Fonthill pool and picked longtime Steeler Eric “The Red Baron” Sinclair. Sinclair is a great hockey player, good locker room guy, but has only known the Steelers. It’s like going to out of town college but staying with your highschool girlfriend. Time to explore the other franchises. See what you like. No judgement here. Spread those beautiful ginger wings.

Busby then brought in two players who look and act like Fonthill people but actually aren’t. The Coke Zero’s of the WNHL, Neil “The Beautiful Idiot” Bahn, and Colin “The Pressure” Cook(er). This is a good defence combo. Bahn is an offensive defenceman without the offence, or the ability to form a coherent thought. Colin Cook is an underrated try hard defenceman who stays like a Ken doll. Dick free. The nicest person to ever steal the puck from you. He’ll even give you cookies after the game. Makes you feel better about your -2

Clearly afraid to branch out on his own Busby brought in not one, but two, former GM’s of the Atlas Steelers, creating some sort of evolution of the Atlas Steelers. Gavin “SARS” Sardella, named that because I’m 68% sure he started the SARS virus, and Jon “Camper” Campbell*, named that because he sets up camp on the the opposing blue line, return to ride shotgun to the new generation of Steeler management. (*it should be recognized that he scored a King Street Cup winning goal, preventing me from my third championship, and wilI hold an eternal grudge). Sardella knows what it takes to win, but is currently held together by duct tape. Campbell has (aside from one stupid goal) never won a goddamn thing. Brought the franchise to the dark ages.

To end the straight rounds of the draft, the Steelers picked up one of the under 30’s Liam “The Sauceman” Clarke, and two of the over 40’s Theron “My Back Hurts” Ebert and Gordie “My Everything Hurts” Hudak. Clarke uses his age advantage to see the game and move quickly, while Gordie and Theron like to get out for a nice skate once a week. Just to keep the blood flowing. At their age they can never be too safe. Busby continued the veteran presence in the straight rounds by bringing in Kelly “The Big Bossman” Jones and Pete “Dirtiest Player in the Game” Voynovich. Jones won’t bring you goals, but he’ll bring your beer, and Voynovich is known for his off ice art, and being an on ice shart to play against. They also drafted BJ Mowat.

What’s that thing they say about trying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results? Busby was given the reigns to a once great franchise and had a chance to steer the team in a new and exciting direction, but like any corporate takeover, it’s all flash, no substance. The Steelers have kept the same franchise players, they brought in old management, and aside from a flashy new logo have brought nothing new to the franchise.

Prediction – 6th Place

Crown Room Kings

As we move toward the end of the draft we find the excellently named, and mid logo’d Crown Room Kings, GM’d by “Slobby” Robby Foster. Foster might be the most battle tested GM in the WNHL. He spends his days teaching, but not just regular teaching, teaching the kids that can’t go to regular school. He’s heard and seen thing that would make you and your mother cry. He knows how to handle a room full of misfits which is why he’s a great GM in the WNHL. For the past two seasons the Kings have had great regular season success, but saw they playoffs go off the rails due to injuries. How does Foster overcome this playoff heartbreak? Let’s take a look at the Leafs of the WNHL the Crown Room Kings.

In the first two rounds the Kings went full skill by picking Skillvian Roy and Skillard. That’s a lot of skill straight out of Skilltown. Skillard comes into the new season after finally securing his first King Street Cup. See what happens when he doesn’t have the 240 lb albatross all season? Apparently one of them wins MVP. We’ve talked a lot about former first round talents falling into later rounds which means somebody has to replace them in the top rounds and that’s where we find Skillvian Roy. Bumped up to big dog status, Roy comes to the Kings looking to disprove the rumours that he is actually French. Roy and Foster will combine to lead the Kings to the All Flow Franchise.

In the next two rounds Foster dipped his toe in the rookie pool and pulled out Chewy “No nickname needed” McComber, and Dylan “Mr” Lahey. Foster once again showing the deep scouting department in the Kings organization found Chewy in the third and “Mr.” in the fourth. Chewy showed the prospect game that he is a first round talent on the ice and in the lot. Chewy is an offensive zone “Shitquake”, and “Mr” Lahey the brings the “Shiticane” from the back end and as a tandem they are a “loaded up a hair-triggered double-barreled shit machine gun, and the barrel’s pointed right at the WNHL”!

In the fifth round the Kings drafted Ethan Clark, but he was flipped at the trade deadline for Kings veteran “Big Daddy” Matty Dusso. I know when you look at Dusso you’re thinking “that guy doesn’t look like a hockey player, he obviously looks like a skier” and you’d be right. However, since moving from BC back to Ontario he finds the lack of mountains to be problematic for his alpine desires, so dirty dangles his way through the WNHL. Foster added to the core four defenceman by adding Carm “The Harm” G. (I checked for the proper spelling of his name on the website, but then realized that I run the website and haven’t known how to spell his last name for years), and Carl “The Better” Bering. Carl is the clearly the Schwarzenegger to Ryan’s Devito. The Kings double dipped on rookies again by picking “Crank the Dial” Kyle Brady, and Paul “Fan Favourite” Fanfara. Say Fan Favourite Fanfara a few times. Fanfavouritefanfara.

Now. As we all know, if you want to get to the top of the mountain, you want to lift the King Street, you need veteran leadership in the room. You need people who have gone into the trenches in the ice and in the lot. Foster knows that the Kings were an ankle injury away from glory last year, showing that he is no dummy has reunited The Fitness Line of Greg “Mr Wednesday Night” Bosak and the Icon, The Showstopper, Scotty “The Heartbreak Kid” Legend. The fitness line with Dino in between-o went wild last year and were a nightmare for the jobber goalies in the WNHL (especially named the ones named Nunn).

The Kings capped off the 2023 draft by selecting “Iron” Mike Atkinson, and Dennis “Den-Knee Mar-Tan” Martin. “Iron” Mike enters his second year and is a rose that is set to bloom under the change of management style after leaving the darkness of the Tunnellers for the sunshine of the Kings,. In the final round the Kings picked Den-Knee Mar-Tan and this has the chance to be the greatest draft pick of all time. Foster has set him up for success this year, and after looking at this roster success will follow. You are looking at your 2023 King Street Cup Champions

Prediction – 1st Place

Rose City Hockey Club

The second of the two expansion teams last year, but the only one that wasn’t an embarrassment The Rose City Hockey Club return looking to get even less embarrassing. Mike “The Glassman” Podio returns as GM of the franchise after setting the league on fire with his A+ merch game, and B+ on ice product. What does RCHC have to do to keep progressing in the WNHL? Podio gave himself a Quality Life Assessment and is now looking to go from Dead to Only Better. Lets see if Podio can Drink this Fucker Dry in the draft.

In the first round RCHC grabbed Petey “No Intensity” Nunn. (if you say that aloud it really flows off the tongue). Petey is a gentle little bunny rabbit, both off the ice and on. Just a bouquet of flowers and sunshine. A real joy to be around. At no point should anybody be intimidated by him, as he is just out there to have fun, and looks like it too.

You want scoring? Is that what you want? If so RCHC has got you covered. In the next three rounds RCHC picked “Soft” Sean Boychuck, Brian ” Price is Wrong Bitch” Barker, and last years Andy Bosak winner for the league MVP Ryan “Two First Names” Daniel. That’s a lot of goals coming RCHC’s way. If he can stay on the ice without complaining about his various ailments, Boychuck can be a dominant player, but he is another former first round pick whos stock is falling. Something about these first round players being soft as paper towels (Mox I’m looking at you). Finding Brian Barker in the third round is a huge score for RCHC. If I recall correctly, which I probably don’t, but he had 5 goals in his first WNHL game? Auston Matthews can suck it. In round four is where RCHC found our current league MVP, and scoring leader Ryan Daniel. Once he relinquished the reigns of the Merritt Islanders, he immediately set the league on fire with 32! goals. I mean, the Islanders went on to win the cup without him, but still 32 goals!

With the scoring locked down, RCHC turned their focus to defence for the middle rounds and picked Ryan “Not A” St. Pierre, Ben “Short Pants” Brown and Brian “Rusty” Rusnov. Adding these three to Mr. No Intensity Nunn builds a solid defensive foundation for RCHC. St. Pierre graduated from call up to full time WNHLer and has proved he belongs. He’s a prick on the ice but not in the lot. Perfect addition for the WNHL. Big Bad Ben Brown could be a number one defenceman on any team and Rusty Rusnov who ditched the Chippawa Blues to join the WNHL remains one of the more underrated players in the WNHL and is a steal in the 7th round even if he did play for Chippawa.

To finish out the snake rounds of the draft, RCHC picked up Jeff “El Cunado” Bodden, Rod “The Decaying Bod” Hazely and Sean “The Hawk” Strohak. Two of these three players should not have been drafted before me. Bodden entering his third year and has a total of 8 career goals and Rod Hazely is actively decaying before our eyes. Strohak, however, has an engine that won’t quit and legs that don’t stop moving. Good addition to the ice and the lot. Also in 6-8 months his son might be bigger than him and take his spot on the roster, so keep your eye out for future WNHLer Carter Strohak.

Finally we come to the last three rounds of the draft, the “straight” rounds as it were. In the last three rounds RCHC picked up Deaner to tend the goal. Let’s be honest here, Deaner isn’t as splashy a name as Rumsby or whatever, but he is a longtime WNHL goalie and quite frankly is under appreciated in this league by anybody who is not Podio. You go ahead and ask Podio his thoughts on Deaner, he’ll sort you out. Stopping pucks while giving no fucks. Charles “The Narc” Marcoux in his second season went next, and his brings his 1 career goal with him. In the final round Chris “Brittle Bones” Paco joins RCHC. Paco missed most of last year because he fell off his bike, but exceeded career totals in goals in the short time he player. Paco is my bet for most improved player this year, if he stays off of his bike.

I have to be honest here, RCHC look like a weapon out there. They definitely can put the puck in the net and the defence looks like the can keep the puck out. I would argue they lack some depth, and friendliness. I think RCHC will struggle in the parking lot, and may be last in the league in beer sales, which will hurt the on ice product.

Prediction – 3rd Place